With nothing else to do with his time, Boris Johnson has spent the last 24 hours working on his hotly anticipated resignation honors list. We managed to get an exclusive preview.
Stanley Johnson Legacy Championship in recognition of his work against violence against women and his extraordinary versatility. He is an example to all of us of the importance of not having any principles. He taught me everything I know. And so it came to pass that when he died, I would end up with the title. Imagine this.
Wilfred and Romy Johnson Lady Carrie, as she will be one day, just pointed out to me that neither Wilf nor Romy should get trinkets and will not inherit a title. So in the meantime, I’m presenting them with the Honorary Order of the Drinks Trolley, which will entitle them to keep the £3,500 Nureyev trolley that belongs in the Downing Street flat.
All the other Johnsons Some of you may have the audacity to refuse an honor from me, but assuming you don’t, there’s plenty for you all. I’m not sure I can necessarily change more championships, but a knight or a queen is no problem. And if you all could give me a few thousand that would be a big help. It’s going to be a bit difficult for me for a while and I have nowhere to live. Please PayPal what you can to Bozza@gmail.com.
Paul Dacre The best of the best. The man who embodies the highest principles of a democratic free press. Polite at all times. Thank you for always answering the phone when I was in trouble and going the extra mile to provide useful stories to the Daily Mail. For you, nothing less than a championship is good enough. You shall henceforth be known as Lord Fuck of Fuckshire.
Durham Police Like the Met, only special measures are enough for you. There was one thing to do! For goodness sake, there were 13 consecutive days of Daily Mail front page stories telling you that Keir Starmer was guilty of throwing a Covid party, and yet you continued to blindly look at the evidence and exonerate him. What happened to the police without fear or favour?
Nadine Dorris The most loyal and stupidest colleague. She supported me even in really tough times – mainly because she knew that no one but me would consider her for a cabinet position. For her an Order of Merit for her services to breaking the BBC, Channel 4 and literature. Her books are unique. Fortunately.
Jacob Rees-Mogg I never saw the appeal of the Moggster. He’s some homunculus in a big suit who never really got to grow up. But he will do anything I say. So he gets an MBE just for breathing. He’ll want more than that, but he’s desperate enough to take it all.
Lord Brownlow The Walking Checkbook No Prime Minister Can Do Without. He was just amazing. I would buy whatever I wanted, send him the bill and he would just pay it. No questions asked. And he promised me that he offers a discreet service for ex-prime ministers. So for him, a second peerage. Lord Lord Brownlow.
Lulu Lytle Frankly, I think Lulu has no taste at all. The wallpaper was absolutely disgusting and didn’t even stick to the walls. No wonder Dillin pissed herself. But Carrie thinks Lulu is a genius and all for a quiet life. And to be fair, she kept her mouth shut about some of the parties. So she gets an OBE on the condition that she offers us a 75% discount on our next house renovation. Anywhere.
Martin Reynolds Good Old Party Marty. He may have been useless as a senior civil servant in Number 10, but he sure could throw some great parties for all of us in Downing Street when we were all under the spell of Covid. The fun we had. I will never forget the corpses piled up in the flower beds. So he got a K and became ambassador to Saudi Arabia. Love to see how it does in a dry country!
Alexander Lebedev If his son can get a first title, then Alex should be in line for one. Hell, he sure deserved it by not talking about that party in Italy. God, I must have been mad all weekend because I barely remember anything. I hope I haven’t leaked anything to the KGB. Become Lord Lebedev of Lubyanka.
Chris Evans There must be a trinket for the editor of the Daily Telegraph. After all, I’ll need my regular £350,000-a-year gig to write one poorly written column a week. Or maybe we can round that up to even £500,000 now. However, inflation is now over 10%. Just wait until I find out who has been prime minister all this time. What did you say Chris? An absolute old boy. It is a Knight Companion of the Garter.
Conor Burns Some things, once seen, cannot be unseen. But you’ve done valiantly to get your PTSD under control… And for your silence, you get a K.
Simon Case. I can’t tell you how convenient it is to have a cabinet secretary who is so incurably insane. Someone who notices next to nothing and does even less. He doesn’t even react when he knows I’m lying. Superb. So if you’re still awake, Simon, there’s a knighthood waiting for you on your desk.
Yevgeny Lebedev Yes, yes, I haven’t forgotten you. Will it make you a CBE this time? Usual conditions. One million pounds in used euros. Or “Prince Charles” as we call him now.
The owner of Luxury Treehouses Ltd. I have no idea your name but there is an OBE in it for you if you can find your way to give me a free £150k tree house. I promise to promote it by taking pictures of myself in it while writing my memoirs. Much like that fool David Cameron and the shepherd’s hut.
Chris Pincher You’ve had it rough lately, old man. Any of us could be caught groping when we were angry. So hopefully K makes up for it a bit.
Michael Gove It is a stunning achievement to be sacked by three different Prime Ministers for disloyalty. I didn’t even manage that. Therefore, I create the Ancient Order of the Traitor just for you. I look forward to you being fired for the fourth time by whoever replaced me.
Matt Hancock I know how desperately you and Gina want to be Sir Matt and Lady Hancock. That’s why I won’t give it to you! Your need is too nice. Dream on.
Add Comment