You would think that there are worse things to call than “boring” as an opposition leader. Especially when so many people in the country define the prime minister as an immoral, liar chancellor. Boring may not be perfect – who wouldn’t want to be involved? – but at least it brings a sense of reliability. Someone you can trust to deliver.
But Keir Starmer seems to have taken the description given to him by some of the shadow cabinets to heart and is hell-bent on proving that he’s actually very interesting. Which is completely counterproductive. Because then he falls into the paradox of boredom.
The more he tries to convince the world that he is a “funny person”, the duller he becomes. A rabbit hole that is hard to escape. It is much better to embrace stupidity in yourself. Let’s make a virtue out of it. To show that it’s good to be authentically dumb. Wear the cardio with pride. No one has ever fallen in love with Keir because of his charisma.
Yet the Labor leader had started the Prime Minister’s questions promisingly, being short and sweet. How is it that the United Kingdom has the second lowest growth in the G20, with only Russia being the worst? Sunburned Boris Johnson – we all know how much he loves going to outdoor work events at number 10 – came back with an equally quick response. We did so badly because we got out of the pandemic the fastest.
He sounded like a full puppy. Mainly because it was so. So this was Starmer’s chance to mock the Convict. To reveal the logic of the small child. Let’s find out. If Covid had lasted another six months, our economy would have prospered. Or maybe it would be better to live under constant blockade. To think that Johnson is the best brain the Tory party can throw away to run the country.
Instead, Starmer got into a tormented Star Wars joke that Boris was Jaba Hutt, who died on his feet. As well as his efforts to sound “down with the kids” by inserting a reference to the Island of Love, as it was clear that he had no idea what he was talking about. And to say that his back benches thought Johnson was “Conservative Corbyn” was on the verge of suicide. Corbyn may have been unpopular, but Keir supported him as a leader. But between them, he managed to strike several more significant blows to the economy.
“Stop talking about our country,” cried the Convict, waving his arms angrily. It is already unpatriotic to say something negative about the country, even if it is true. Mention the 4-0 defeat of England by Hungary and you are dead.
Johnson didn’t want to talk about boring things that everyone was interested in. Like the price of life. He only wanted to talk about the things that divide the country. And he excited the right wing of his party. Like Brexit. “We fixed Brexit,” he insisted. News for everyone. If Brexit is done, why don’t we see any benefits yet? Why are we on the verge of violating international law and entering into a trade war with the EU?
As refugees. Labor was on the side of human smugglers. Obviously. The Tories were on the side of aspiring refugees who remained in their own country and perished. Oh, and also by re-ignoring the law by leaving the human rights court. There was no international law that the United Kingdom should accept. The World Trade Organization? Full of left-wing capitalists. UEFA? Nasty footballers who are devising a new offside law to put England and Wales at a disadvantage.
And one more thing… The convict was reviewing his list of received complaints. Labor did nothing to stop the rail strikes next week. He seemed to believe that Labor had been in government for the past 12 years and that Starmer was responsible for the Tories’ failure to negotiate with the unions.
Hardcore, reckless fanatics on the back benches flooded him. Never happier than when they have an enemy to fight. EU. The Court of Human Rights. The unions. Refugees. The world. They roared their approval. So much so that much of the rest of the PMQ was an incomprehensible cacophony. Poor devastation for which the weak speaker was responsible. Lindsay Hoyle makes a show of threats against MPs, but never does. And the deputies are going around it. Throw one away and you can get a working camera.
After the last echo of PMQ subsided, Priti Patel stood up to say why spending £ 500,000 on a flight that never took off was a fantastic value for money. It was never about numbers, it was more about battle. “We have a world-leading scheme,” she said, echoing the words her idiot, a misguided junior minister, Tom Parsglow, used on Monday. The world leader, like everyone else, has decided that this is a catastrophically idiotic idea.
But while lawyers – Priti Vacant could not hide his contempt for people trying to enforce the law properly – managed to get everyone off the plane, the scheme was still a stunning success. The fewer refugees we exported to Rwanda, the more its value proved. Outside the trafficking of traffickers. And yes, there was another plane ready to go, as soon as the lawyers made sure there was no one on board. That is what the refugees would want. Their goal has always been to reach Rwanda. You just couldn’t get there by dinghy.
Yvette Cooper repeated her role on Monday. Her outrage at the way the government shames the country is palpable. She was a model of clarity as she disassembled Vacant’s worn-out arguments. There was reason for Israel to abandon its scheme to transport people. And it wasn’t because it was unethical. Although it was. It was because it didn’t work. So, how about creating safe routes and greater cooperation with France. Priti shuddered at the thought of doing something with France. Wait until someone tells her she’s right across the English Channel.
“We have to adopt the right tone,” Vacant said. Her lack of self-awareness is breathtaking. She’s not even a smart narcissist. “And a scheme cannot be inoperable and expensive.” Except he can, obviously. Indeed, she is a queen-philosopher. If it is possible to make a mistake, she will find a way. Ingenious, if nothing else.
The rest of the session was spent with the Tories, who tried to convince themselves that the more brutal they were with the refugees, the better. Dialectical refugee. Schrödinger’s foreigners. Peter Bone said there was a difference between traffickers and smugglers. And that anyone who allows himself to be smuggled deserves to die.
Others are simply brought to foreign courts. They have yet to learn the difference between foreign and international. Or that the United Kingdom is one of the founders of the European Convention on Human Rights. Jonathan Gallis did not seem to know that the human rights tribunal was included in the Good Friday agreement. And he is Brandon Lewis’ parliamentary personal secretary. The Secretary of Northern Ireland. Indeed, vancocracy is an exaggeration. Heading relentlessly against the wall.
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