Shortly after 2 a.m., Helen Herford locked herself in a dance studio at Crediton Sports Center. Never to be seen or heard again, except in a question of curious facts as a Tory candidate who has overturned the largest majority in the history of the by-elections. In the end, the result was not even close in Tiverton and Honiton, with the Liberal Democrats winning by more than 6,000 votes. Nor was the Wakefield news much better for the government. With much less turnout, Labor successfully won this by-election with a majority of 4,000. Happy Brexit birthday to you, Boris.
Things then moved quickly, with Oliver Dowden announcing his resignation as chairman of the Tory party at around 5.30am. Something that would be as much of a shock to Dowden as it was to everyone else. Because Ollie’s goal was that he had no sense of shame. He is a man without a conscience, once a passionate remnant who erased his own history and rediscovered himself as a Brexit supporter throughout his life, who was given only Tory work because he could be relied on to eat shit and do whatever is necessary for the convict. So finding out that Dowden did have a breaking point was a turning point.
Dowden announced his departure with the familiar exchange of letters with the prime minister. The Tories were worried and frustrated by recent events, he said, and someone had to take some responsibility. And given that the Convict was a narcissist, unable to take responsibility for anything, he had better be. Which was weird, because literally no one had ever thought Dowden was the leader of Partygate. Or he had really done something great once. Mostly because they had never heard of him. Still, never look a gift horse in the mouth and the country should just bet on the winnings. Ollie is much more useful when she’s not doing anything.
After Dowden left the road, Dominic Raab was left to fill the hole the size of a party chair in the morning media circle. Raab didn’t seem at all happy about pulling out the short straw, and he was irritable and resentful all the time. Expect the number of homicides to jump over the next 24 hours. It is more useful that you do not go home alone in the dark. Be careful, there is a Home nearby.
What we got was Raab at his inconsistent best. It’s strange that he can handle the weekly shopping, let alone the deputy prime minister. First, he tried to reject the results of the midterm elections, as it is not a big deal. Labor and the Liberal Democrats hadn’t really won, because all that happened was that fewer people than usual voted for Conservatives. Well, yes, that’s how elections work. If you do not get as many votes as another candidate, you do not win. It’s not even math for GCSE. Where do the Tories find such stunning intellects? Oxbridge may need to rethink its admission policy given the number of quarters it has now given to the cabinet.
It quickly deteriorated, as the House could give no idea how the government could be reformed. Mostly because he has no idea. He is completely lost. He tried to understand that Partygate was some kind of distraction invented by the media to divert voters away from the big problems, not a scandal created by the convict himself. Then he talks about a high-wage economy. This is after the government spent the last week calling on unions to impose wage restrictions. Finally, he just shrugged when the BBC’s Nick Robinson asked about Boris, who was trying to blame Carrie for top jobs. This probably means that she is a prime candidate for Dowden’s old job.
Most of the rest of the morning was occupied by various Tories lining up to photograph Johnson. Almost everyone seemed to realize that it was no longer a question of saving Boris’s job. It was all about saving their own. The winner is already a very serial loser and the Convict will take them all with him. The most surreal intervention was that of former Tiverton MP Neil Parish. Boris had to take some responsibility, he said. When you are offered spiritual guidance from the person who watched porn with tractors at Commons, then the game begins.
The media finally caught up with Boris Johnson in Rwanda, where he was attending a meeting of British community leaders. He did not want to minimize the defeats in the by-elections, he insisted. But the way forward was to minimize damage. They weren’t a big deal. People just went too far. Nothing was his fault. What he was going to do was just keep shutting down all the things he was doing to push the economy to stone. In the background, you could almost hear Nadine Doris and Priti expressing their adoration. The sound of no clapping.
Later in the afternoon, Johnson reappeared, this time to give a press conference. The events of the day seemed to catch up with him. The bags under his eyes had deepened and darkened considerably, while the rest of his face was unhealthily pale as ever. He looked like a man who had gone 10 rounds with himself and lost. Collect two black eyes along the way. The Rwandan panda.
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The convict began by listing some attributes of the British community that even he did not seem particularly interested in. He knew what was coming. Because, although he answered questions only from the media, which are largely friendly to the government, he was still in court. No one thinks his Rwanda refugee scheme is anything other than a distraction. The best he could think of was that no court had yet found it illegal. Morality didn’t seem to bother him. Then it rarely happens.
Most of the questions focused on the results of the by-elections. Still, Johnson seemed to deny it. He was just doing his best, he insisted. Working tirelessly to improve things. He just couldn’t understand why everyone was fighting. Why they believed things were getting worse. And, of course, he could not resign. That’s what the little people did. People like Dowden.
“The way forward is not to focus on personalities,” he concluded. It was a delusion. Johnson’s entire career is built on his personality. He has no policy in which he believes. It’s all about him. Except now no one likes him anymore. They don’t even regret it. They are disgusted by the way they have allowed themselves to be deceived. That they fell for someone who plays by completely different rules. Or without rules. And now they were not in the mood to forgive or forget.
The convict jumped out of the media hall. It is time for a new meeting with President Zelenski. Therapist to national leaders around the world.
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