Boris Johnson: Hello. This is not Boris Johnson.
Sue Gray: In this case, I’m not Sue Gray.
Johnson: Excellent. I would like to arrange a meeting with you …
Gray: Come on then. I opened my diary.
Johnson: Actually, what I want to happen is leave the phone and then call me in a few days with the time and date.
Gray: Why? It seems completely pointless.
Johnson: So I can pretend you asked for the meeting. That way, I don’t seem to be trying to interfere with your report. Which I am not, obviously.
Gray: Obviously. Well, I’m actually going to tell the truth …
Johnson: Why would anyone want to do that?
Gray: … which is that you were the one who asked for a date.
Johnson: There is no need to play politics.
Gray: You’re interfering in my head. You can save this nonsense for the Daily Mail. And for your helpful idiots – remembering Nadim Zahawi and Simon Clark – who will be sent to the media to tell your “true story” about our meeting, which will fall apart in hours.
Johnson: I’ll take a chance …
Gray: Mmm. I wonder who everyone will believe. Me or you and your ministers? This is tough. Are you sure you don’t want to rethink? I thought not. So what do you want?
Johnson: That’s right… The Metropolitan has just told me that they are about to end their investigations into the № 10 parties and I will leave almost completely free.
Gray: So how did you do it? Are you a bribe?
Johnson: I didn’t need to! Although all Tory donors were lined up to pay off if necessary. It turned out that the police were not so interested in the investigation after they were told to leave and stop bothering me. I just had to write “no comment” in my questionnaire. So I only got away with one fine for the party, which was hardly a party, and the Old Bill just fined a lot of junior staff to make it look like they did something.
Gray: What now?
Johnson: We need to talk about the moments …
Gray: No, we don’t. Because we have already agreed on the deadlines. After the police completed their investigation, I published the report shortly afterwards.
Johnson: Not those moments. The time of some of my party appearances. To make it look like I just stopped by. As you would for a work event. Which the parties definitely were.
Gray: You really don’t understand, do you? I can’t be noble.
Johnson: Come on, Sue. Be a sport. Donnez-moi un break, as President Macron might say. At least don’t post any of the photos of me getting angry at the troops. Especially not the ones I raised my glass to and offered a toast to Lee Kane. I was just lucky that my face was the only one in the photos that wasn’t blurred.
Gray: I think you’ll find that ITV News already has them.
Johnson: What about some of the others then? Surely we can make a deal for them? I don’t mind you posting pictures of No. 10 employees, but I’d rather keep me away. And definitely not the one where I take shots with vodka and break Wilf’s swing. Carrie still doesn’t know it was me. I told her it was Marty’s party. Also, if you can avoid those in which people vomit, this would be helpful. We do not want the public to think that this was a long rave on Ibiza during the blockade.
Gray: You don’t understand, do you? You disgust me. You lie to the country and the parliament and you disagree again and again. And you will probably get away with it again. The cops may have been thirsty lunatics, but I’m not. So I will publish everything. The photos clearly show that you have attended many Downing Street parties and the public deserves to know the truth.
Johnson: Anyone can be planted with six bottles of wine, a bottle of gin and a bowl of chips. So don’t be like that. We all drank a drink…
Gray: Actually, we’re not.
Johnson: Okay, then can you just reduce some of your remarks in the introduction? Let it sound as if there is a clear, sober guide in number 10 and that only a few junior staff members are breaking the rules. Over and over. And the only reason this kept happening was because I was so busy going to work events that I didn’t notice. In fact, we all worked so hard that no one could blame us if things got a little lively. I’m sure the same thing happened in hospitals, where doctors and nurses returned hand sanitizer.
Gray: Are you done yet?
Johnson: Not quite. It is believed that there will be autumn boys in all this. So, if you can touch me, Simon Case, that would be very helpful. Although obviously he will become a member of the lords or something like that when the dust settles. Like you, if you play your cards right …
Gray: We’re ready.
Johnson: Just for the record, this meeting never happened.
Gray: It will probably expire …
Johnson: In this case, it’s a public meeting that is so proper that its contents must be kept secret.
Gray: Goodbye, Prime Minister.
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