It is normal practice for the Prime Minister to report to the Chamber as soon as possible when returning from a trip abroad. So you’d think Boris Johnson would like to make a statement to the municipalities about last week’s Indian adventure.
Both to tell stories of how he boldly forgot to mention India’s neutrality towards Russia in its war against Ukraine during his meeting with Prime Minister Narendra Modi, as well as a country where they do not like or trust him.
But the Convict thought better of it. He considered the Municipality to be his natural habitat. An environment in which he is guaranteed to receive the love and laughter he craves. Now it is a symbol of his shame. An unwanted reminder of his dishonesty. A wound that can never begin to heal until either he does the right thing and resigns, or his fragile ego falls apart under the weight of his lies.
The only MPs who even pretend to believe his words these days are the invertebrate ministerial apparatchiks, who are now embroiled in a constant internal struggle between extreme denial and cognitive dissonance, said Junior Culture Minister Chris Philip, who is still didn’t find his ass didn’t want to have a brown nose and who had sworn blindly on national television on Monday morning that it was entirely plausible that Johnson and Nadine Doris could have sent identical tweets independently: how little confidence you need to have to do this – and caresses of half-witted swindlers like Mickey Fabricant. The others either come face to face with the Convict, or laugh openly, or spit in anger at his deception, or remain silent with contempt.
So instead of staying in Westminster, thanking his lucky stars for not yet receiving a second notice of a fixed penalty for the party where the empty and backward were taken out of the flower beds, Johnson headed north to Bury.
Someone could guess what he was doing there. According to Number 10, he campaigned for the local elections. But as most advisers now acknowledge that he is a liability, the only thing he may have campaigned for is to increase the number of Tory losses next week.
After aimlessly kicking a soccer ball at Bury FC, Johnson made a billiards video for lunchtime news. Inevitably, most questions focused on his reaction to the previous day’s Mail on Sunday article, in which a Tory MP claimed that Angela Raynor had tried to distract Johnson from the prime minister’s questions by crossing her legs.
The convict said he was furious. Not only had a woman never been able to push him away from him in the past — he had kept his laser-like focus even when Jennifer Arkuri danced in front of him — but such misogyny had no place in his Tory party.
The MP behind the story of the “woman” Raynor will be punished, warns Johnson – video
“If we ever find out who’s responsible,” he said, “I don’t know what we’re going to do, but they’re going to be the horrors of Earth.”
That sounded a lot like a quote from King Lear. A topic Johnson could still become an expert on if he ever hired a researcher to write most of Shakespeare’s biography, for which he gave an advance of £ 800,000.
Although he might have chosen his Lear more carefully now. The passage he mentioned is from the time when Lear was in the process of going mad and losing his kingdom. Who knows, in a few days he may start walking naked in the wilderness. Then the emperor will really have no clothes.
It was also unclear how seriously Johnson took Rayner’s allegations. At least he managed not to smile until he condemned those who had told the story briefly, but the Condemned himself has a form of sexism and misogyny.
Just think of his descriptions of women beach volleyball players at the 2012 Olympics as “shining like wet otters” and women in burqas as “mailboxes.” Or that women who voted for the Tories will have bigger breasts. Even when he is not seemingly guilty, he is still responsible. The weight of his luggage is too heavy.
One person who took this seriously was President Lindsay Hoyle, who began the procedure in the municipality, saying she had arranged a meeting with the editor of the Mail on Sunday to discuss the matter.
Then we moved on to the issues of the Ministry of the Interior. Quite a bloodless affair, which had the feeling that everyone was going through the proposals on the eve of another week’s vacation before the state opening of parliament.
Still, even the half-engaged Priti Patel is vicious and stupid enough to provide some fun. She sat proudly next to Tom Pearslow, a junior interior minister who may be darker than she was – they couldn’t even provide a connecting synapse between the two – just to stand up to declare Rwanda an African paradise.
If there was a problem with her asylum policy, it was that the Channel would be overcrowded with refugees coming in search of a free plane ticket. And anyone who questioned the human rights situation in Rwanda was simply a racist.
When it came to spending, she went seriously crazy. It is not up to her to tell the municipalities how much the scheme will cost, she insisted. It is up to the opposition parties to come up with different proposals. Although if she had listened, she would have known they had done it.
But so far Pretty Vacant has been in one place. Labor should not be interested in the cost of the scheme, as they said it was unworkable. So it won’t cost taxpayers anything anyway. She paused to catch a glimpse of her own benches. She really thought this was the “I got it” moment. There is no hope for us.
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