Do you remember that glorious time 800 years ago – that is, earlier in 2022 – when we watched Rebecca Vardy’s defamation case against Coleen Rooney unfold across millions of tabloid reports and a hundred billion social media posts? The so-called Wagatha Christie trial – that was the name that stuck, but I’d just like to congratulate whatever equal genius came up with ‘The Cousetrap’ – was the ultimate low-stakes drama and briefly restored the happiness and vitality of the nation.
Channel 4’s distillation of that highly enjoyable time, Vardy v Rooney: Courtroom Drama, is our Christmas present. The endeavor is part giveaway—it’s almost entirely made up of trial transcripts and media reports—and part choice box. All the best parts were brought together and a bow in the shape of Michael Sheen as Rooney’s lawyer David Sherborne stuck on top to make it feel a little more special.
In case you haven’t had the pleasure: Coleen Rooney, wife of a famous soccer player named Wayne, who himself looks like he’s made of soccer balls, became suspicious that one of her Instagram account followers was leaking stories about her to Press. She was particularly suspicious of one follower – Rebecca Vardy, wife of Jamie, who is another famous footballer. You don’t need to know about men. Rooney thought Vardy was always too friendly and asked for information about her and her husband during their interactions outside of Instagram in something known as Real Life. She also felt that Vardy was keen to develop his own public profile and therefore maintain a good relationship with the tip-based tabloids.
Vardy vs Rooney: Court drama. Photo: Marcel Pitty/Channel 4
So – and here comes the Wagatha/Scousetrap bit – Rooney configured her account in such a way that only Vardy could see a fake story she put up there. When it appeared in the Sun, she knew she had her woman and exposed her in a public post. Vardy then took her to court for defamation, which is where Channel 4 begins.
We relive highlights from the trial, such as the overworked lawyer wondering aloud whether sharing details of Peter Andre’s “pants outfit” that’s “like a miniature chipolata” in a 2004 interview with the News of the World was a sign , that Ms. Vardy respects other people’s privacy or not? And even at second hand, it will never be funny to hear a member of the (then) Queen’s Council obliged to quote the text message “she better not stab me”. Once again, we wonder at the proposed defense – that Vardy’s friend and former agent, Caroline Watt, had access to Vardy’s account and leaked the stories without her knowledge or permission. “What about all those messages between the two of you saying things like, ‘Let this story go, Caroline, with my full knowledge and permission?'” Sherborne asks (I’m paraphrasing, but not much). And we squirm in delight again – in fact it might get even better the second time around – when the court is told that many WhatsApp messages between agent and client are missing because Caroline’s phone was dropped in the North Sea. Not really. That’s why they only had to rewrite things to entertain us.
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The first episode, which is dedicated to Vardy’s time in the stands, gets a little boring towards the end. Turns out there’s a limit to how much you can enjoy someone being so comprehensively hoisted on their own firecracker. And the second part covers Rooney’s testimony – which is clearer and therefore less exciting – so the drama ends on a low note. And it does nothing more than what it’s supposed to do from the start – retell a stupid story and revel in its own stupidity. It obviously wanted to get out of the traps first more than it wanted to be the smartest or the most thoughtful. There are no wider points about our celebrity obsession or the semiotic warfare being waged through bag, make-up and outfit choices in the process (not to mention the strong move Rooney made when they went on a planned vacation instead of turning up for the final summaries and verdict), or the role social media and its toxicity now plays in almost every relationship in the public eye. Maybe that will come later. Perhaps it will be in the (separate) documentaries we’re told the plaintiff and defendant have already signed up for, which will soon be available on a streaming platform near you. In the meantime, enjoy your Christmas present.
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