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Man City 0-0 Bournemouth Mark Travers, Bournemouth’s excellent young Irish keeper, has just saved superbly with his feet to deny Phil Foden. City could already be 4-0 up.
“Hey Rob,” says Vibhanshu Bisht. “If you want Comic Sans, the Man Utd game is in the 5.30pm slot.”
The sight of McFred in Comic Sans would tip some poor soul over the edge.
Updated at 15.12 BST
“It’s probably worth noting that the moment they started, Bournemouth went top of the league,” says Richard Morris. “Noting quickly as probably not for long.”
“Do you think Neil Warnock’s boat engine arrived auto-tuned to ‘Girl I Love You’ by Massive Attack?” says Neil Brown. “I don’t have a motorboat or a yacht, so I don’t know if you can choose what bass line your engine plays.”
It’s a perfectly reasonable question, so why do I keep reading it as, “Do you think Neil Warnock is making love to Stevie Wonder’s ‘I Just Called to Say I Love You’?”
Manchester City 0-0 Bournemouth City’s central midfielders Ruben Diaz and Nathan Ake both missed good chances, it also says here.
Arsenal 0-0 Leicester Wesley Fofana missed a good chance to give Leicester the lead, it says here.
“Bumped into Bruno Lage in a cafe in Tettenhall, Wolverhampton last week,” writes Peter Higginson. “Did you notice that it has incredibly thin and long legs, like a fly! Do you think this is important?’
Now is!
“Good afternoon Rob!” says Alexandra Ashton. “Following on from Charles’ analysis of the team tables published by various clubs’ social media, I would like to express my displeasure with Wolves (using a different font for the numbers, captain © and the word ‘subs’??) and Bournemouth (I may be blind , but these numbers seem quite difficult to read). Conversely, I like Newcastle’s semi-condensed font and very pretty color scheme. does that mean anything Obviously not, but I have nothing better to do so…”
All this font talk made me look further. Look at Barcelona for example. Can they even afford this font?
The 3pm games are about to start, but let’s get on with more important things: Grant Tennill breaks down the Brighton/Radiohead font crossover case.
Radiohead Kid A 2000 album cover created by Thom Yorke and Stanley Donwood Photo: Parlophone
Aston Villa 2-1 Everton
Andy Hunter was at Villa Park to watch the hosts settle some of the talk about their manager.
“Hey Rob!” says Joe Pearson. “How smug do you feel to be in Orkney right now, comfortably in the teens when most of the games will be played in the 30s? It’s an unseasonably cool 64 here in Indianapolis (19 for you). Location, location, location.”
Especially in the Emirates it seems terribly hot. Reminds me of the 2003 Community Shield when the heat went to Phil Neville and Frannie Jeffers.
“These images of select teams allow comparison of PR departments’ font and style choices,” Charles Antakia squints. “They all play with matches, some (Leicester, Leeds) with generous kerning, but Manchester City are suffocatingly tight. Fonts range from boring (Bournemouth) to kid-friendly (Brighton). Today’s award goes to Arsenal, for somehow managing to dig up a font last seen in the spaceship lettering of a 1990 sci-fi series.
The Brighton one looks like a Radiohead font but I can’t tell which one it is. Any idea? Leicester’s looks like part of the portfolio of a start-up company specializing in eco-friendly toothpastes. Sad to see that neither team chose Comic Sans. What a humorless society we have become.
“Firstly, Neil Warnock is an absolute enigma,” says Matt Doney. “Totally unpleasant, but also at times warm, funny and engaging. Do not understand it. I don’t know how I feel about him. Second, I stand by my pre-season prediction that Mitrovic will score eight goals this season, either side of a 10-match drought. He’s already with two of them, so don’t expect much from him today. Third, poor Bournemouth. Poor, poor Bournemouth.”
Final match: Aston Villa 2-1 Everton
Aston Villa survived a late Everton charge sparked by the performance of new signing Amadou Onana to win their first home game of the season.
Everton’s next game, at home to Nottingham Forest next weekend, already feels like a big success.
“Afternoon Rob,” cries Simon McMahon. “Don’t worry about keeping a very close eye on things in Scotland as I’m still processing the events of Thursday night as Dundee United went from heroes to zero in the space of a week, following a win over AZ Alkmaar with a home defeat to Livingstone and then a record-tying performance in the second leg in the Netherlands on Thursday night.
“It cannot be denied, a fitting mainter for all involved with the Tannadice club. God knows what Jim McLean would make of that. The players will eventually be forced into hiding to face Hearts at Tynecastle tomorrow. Champions Celtic are at Kilmarnock before that and today’s games are Aberdeen v Motherwell, Livingstone v Hibs, Rangers v St Johnstone and St Mirren v Ross County.”
Just watch this on loop for the next eternal days.
Updated at 14.18 BST
In a parallel universe, Neil Warnock is just starting his team talk ahead of a tough game at Weston Homes Stadium
“The name is bad. Colin w****r’ etc.
Wolves v Fulham squad news
Team News Southampton v Leeds
Team News Man City vs Bournemouth
🔵 𝗧𝗘𝗔𝗠 𝒗𝗘𝗨𝗦 🔵
XI | Ederson, Walker, Diaz, Ake, Cancelo, Rodrigo, De Bruyne, Gundogan (K), Mahrez, Haaland, Foden
SUBBS | Ortega Moreno, Stones, Grealish, Alvarez, Bernardo, Delap, Mbete, Luiz, Wilson-Esbrand#ManCity | @HaysWorldwide pic.twitter.com/JnuQrNqo9B
— Manchester City (@ManCity) August 13, 2022
📝 𝗧𝗘𝗔𝗠 𝒗𝗘𝗨𝗦 📝
🔺 Three changes at City 🔺 Cook starts in midfield 🔺 Solanke and Zemura miss out
Our line for #MCIBOU 👊👊 pic.twitter.com/XckRvDrVfE
— AFC Bournemouth 🍒 (@afcbournemouth) August 13, 2022
Brighton v Newcastle squad news
Arsenal vs Leicester team news
🚨 TEAM NEWS!
We haven’t changed since our 2-0 win over Crystal Palace at Selhurst Park 🔥#ARSLEI
— Arsenal (@Arsenal) August 13, 2022
The Premier League will turn 30 on Monday. Barney Ronay had the unenviable task of condensing three decades of hype and history into a cool, stylish, intelligent 2,000 word read.
Watch out, this is the Premier League!
Updated at 13.46 BST
The early Premier League game is at Villa Park, where Aston Villa lead Everton 1-0 at half-time. Scott Murray looks at him.
Preamble
Decades from now, historians will be scratching their heads when they reflect on the late 2010s and early 2020s. Brexit, Trump, Covid, Johnson, populism, Twitter, post-truth, post-shame, post-dignity – all will defy understanding, in the same way that our generation can’t imagine smoke billowing around a plane and to puberty nostrils before the poor kids had the chance to become addicted to nicotine on their own terms.
Most awesome of all, the best minds on the planet will struggle to understand that many sensible, erudite people seriously doubted that Erling Braut Haaland would score goals in industrial quantities at Manchester City.
Haaland’s terrifying brace at West Ham last weekend was a statement of the most devastating intent – 34 is the record since you asked – and it’s a shame Opta doesn’t have any stats on how well Bournemouth’s centre-backs slept last night. Jefferson Lerma, Chris Mepham and Lloyd Kelly have the huge task of stopping Haaland, who makes his home debut for Manchester City today.
City v Bournemouth – Eddie Large’s game – is one of five 3pm kick-offs, all of which are likely to be played in extreme heat. We’ll also be following events in the EFL, in Scotland and across Europe, but our main focus will be on these five Premier League fixtures:
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Arsenal vs Leicester
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Brighton v Newcastle
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Man City vs Bournemouth
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Southampton v Leeds
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Wolves v Fulham
Updated at 13.43 BST
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