More than a year after Neil McIlvin’s death, his family has been waiting for the opportunity to hold a big reunion to celebrate his life.
When McIlvin died in Hamilton, Ont., In May 2021, the blockade measures meant that his relatives were unable to conduct a proper funeral service or console themselves physically.
“When I had to hug someone and say, ‘Oh my God, Neil’s gone,’ there was nothing – so you’re living a little denial,” said McIlvyn’s sister, Anne Marie Burnside.
Burnside is one of many families who have had to end their grief over the past two years, as collection restrictions, travel restrictions and fears of infection have left thousands of Canadians unable to say goodbye to a dying loved one or reunite to honor life. its after that.
But as Canada transcends pandemic restrictions, many families – including McIlveen’s – are planning belated memorial services for this summer.
Neil McLean, left, died in May 2021, during the third wave of COVID-19 in Ontario. His niece, Darlene McIlvin, also pictured, says his family plans to hold a belated celebration of his life next month. (Submitted by Darlene McIlvin)
“People have been in a state of grief for two years, without this opportunity to celebrate [loved one’s] death and celebrate their lives, “said Diana Robinson, funeral director at Celebrations of Life Toronto.
About half of its summer clients provide services for someone who died in 2020.
“These people have had this delayed experience of grief … and you can really see the effect on families like this.
Similarly, Lougheed Funeral Home in Sudbury, Ont., Holds about five memorial services each Saturday, about half of which are for families to make up for the pandemic’s delays, says managing director Gary Lougid.
Pause grief
Funeral directors say many grieving families find their grief no less painful now than it was at the time of death months or years ago.
“We recently did a favor for a young gentleman who died almost two years ago, and the service was as if the relocation had just happened – it was still so fresh and raw,” said Kelsey Palmer of Spears Chapel in Regina.
“Even though the time has passed since this man left, it really feels like a first day for family and friends who didn’t have a chance at that time to say goodbye and get together properly.”
During the blockade, some families used video platforms such as Zoom to say goodbye to a loved one or watch a funeral. In this photo, a mother and daughter watch a funeral service online from their home in Orfield, Pennsylvania, on April 29, 2020 (Matt Rourke / Associated Press)
This feeling is familiar to the McIlvin family. Only two relatives managed to visit him in hospital before his death, holding a phone to his ear so that others could say goodbye.
The “sociable and very sociable” high school teacher asked his relatives to organize a “big party” after his death, said his niece Darlene McIlvin.
But with limited collection and travel restrictions, which challenged another of his sisters to fly from New Zealand, those plans were postponed – as was his family’s mourning.
“Last year seemed like a fantasy that we were going to have a big party someday … There’s this lack of closure, this constant grief that’s happening,” Darlene McIlvin said.
They hope part of this ending will come next month, when about 100 families and friends come together to remember her beloved uncle and begin to get rid of the grief they have endured for the past 14 months.
“It’s something I haven’t really dealt with.” [the party] to be really tough, “Burnside said.
How the pandemic turned into grief
While many families feel that the time has finally come to grieve, others feel that too much time has passed and they no longer plan to hold a service.
“Some people said … ‘I don’t think it’s related to my grieving journey’ and also ‘I don’t think I want to bring back those memories,'” Loughid, the funeral director, said.
But missing a ceremony could mean missing an opportunity to recover from grief, says Dr. Harvey Max Chochinov, a professor of psychiatry and palliative care expert at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg who leads a team investigating the pandemic’s effects on loss and grief.
“Grief does not wear a clock and does not have a calendar, it happens on its own, so even after the fact that you have an occasion when people can get together … to say, ‘We are here to we talk about this person, “just saying what they mean in our lives can be healing.”
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Dr Harvey Max Chochinov, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Manitoba, says the late burials of people who died during the pandemic could give their loved ones a chance to move forward in their grief.
He says people who can’t be at the bedside of a dying family member and have to say goodbye instead with Zoom or FaceTime are left with the feeling that they don’t have a chance to provide care and confirmation to their loved one at the end of the day. their life.
The inability to hold a timely and proper funeral soon after the death of a loved one makes it difficult for people to move forward in their grief, Chochinov said, but holding some form of personal remembrance event – however late – can help move forward.
“It’s not just listening to the words that are said … but also touching, hugging, seeing the other person’s eyes and knowing that in this moment you and I share this collective time of grief together,” he said. .
“It simply came to our notice then [while] we did not have a word on the fate of our loved one, we can make sure that this person is remembered and recognized in a way that would correspond to who was in our lives. “
Mark Irvine’s family – divided between Ontario, Alberta and Scotland – has been waiting two years to reunite with his father, John, who died in Edmonton in August 2020.
They planned to take his father’s remains back to Rothesay, Scotland, last year, before growing COVID-19 cases forced them to postpone the trip twice.
“We were like ‘just a few more months, just a few more months.'”
Now Irvine and his family have only two more weeks to wait until they fly to Scotland to bring his father to rest and organize a celebration of life with his large family.
“For my mother, this is not negotiable: it is crucial that Dad returns… and we will end this the way it should be done, and that is with my father in Rothesay.”
John Irvine, left, pictured here with his family, died in Edmonton in August 2020. His wife and children will travel from Canada to Scotland to celebrate the Life Service next month. (Submitted by Mark Irvine)
Irvine says the family was lucky to be able to organize a trip around school holidays, weekends and other family events in Rothesay – an example of the pandemic’s new level of flexibility in organizing memorial services, including how soon they it must happen after death.
“[Before COVID]when someone died, it was like, “Okay, we have to do something for the next few days and I’m going to have to quit my job and have to pick up my grandchildren from school,” whatever, “Louhid said.
Because of the delays with COVID, people are now saying, “What is a good date to grieve?”
Planning of late memorials
Lougheed suggests that instead of choosing a date at random, people choose a significant date for their memorial – such as the wedding anniversary of the deceased.
“This is a date that will be remembered anyway. Why not use this as a day to gather your family and say, “Let’s take out the wedding photos, let’s celebrate this good day.” And you know what? We may shed a few tears. We will also laugh a lot and say, “Boy, look what my hair was like 30 years ago.”
Another challenge that families face is how to spread the word about their loved one, including friends and colleagues.
Robinson offers the use of a digital invitation and RSVP service, such as Greenvelope, that can be shared via email, social media and text messages and posted on community and organization websites.
As for deciding on the form of the service, Chochinov says people should follow their intuition and “celebrate who that person is in ways that feel authentic.”
“After a year or two, the feelings we experience and the way they manifest can be quite different than in the days and weeks after death, so if you feel more like a holiday and less like a funeral, that’s perfectly fine. “
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