Megan* was 24 when she was pressured into giving birth to her first child. She was a member of the local Church of England parish church and her partner was the vicar’s eldest son. Young and in love, they decide to marry to consummate their relationship, but Megan is soon forced by her current husband and his family to have children. “I felt it was my duty and I had no choice,” Megan tells me. “I was not immediately informed of my obligation to have children. If I was, I wouldn’t get married.”
Megan was always on the fence about whether or not she wanted to have children, but she knew she wasn’t ready to be a mother in her early twenties. “I would like to spend more time enjoying the simplicity of our marriage as a couple, traveling and getting to know each other,” she explains. “I’m not even sure he was or is the right partner for me. We get on, but it feels forced – a hasty decision. Now we’re more like good friends trapped in a marriage of lust.”
A decade and two children later, Megan says that if she could do it over again, she would “put her foot down” and not have children. Now 34, she is part of a growing group of people, especially mothers, who live with parental regret. Although abortion was never an option for Meghan, it was available. However, the prospect of more women facing parental regret has certainly increased in the US with the US Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.
The decision effectively overturned half a century of legal abortion rights, and several states have since introduced trigger laws making abortion illegal. There will almost certainly be women in these countries who are forced to become pregnant against their will. There are fears in the UK that anti-abortionists will take advantage of the decision to try to overturn Britain’s 1967 Abortion Act, with the row already running through parliament.
Stories of women being pressured to continue with unwanted pregnancies were common online even before Roe v. Wade was overturned. In a Facebook group called “I Regret Having Children,” which has 42,000 members, there are several stories of women suffering from parental regret after an unwanted pregnancy.
Abortion rights activists attend a rally outside the US Supreme Court building on May 5, 2022.
(Getty)
One anonymous user, a 21-year-old woman, details how when she became pregnant at 18, her mother and sister decided she would keep the baby despite wanting an abortion. “I cried every day until I was seven months old. They picked me up and dropped me off at school, followed me so I couldn’t have an abortion. I was miserable,” she explains. “I couldn’t attend the school I wanted to because of my child and his care needs. My life was put on hold for two years, which meant I regretted having it even more.
Yet seeds of regret can take root even in those who have chosen to be parents. Sarah*, 42, says that while she doesn’t regret having her son, raising him as a single parent through IVF was much harder than she ever expected. “I just ran out of options,” she says of her decision to use IVF. “My ovaries were literally dying and I had to make a decision based on how I was going to feel in five years. I always wanted a child and I could never imagine my life without becoming a mother, so I had to give it a try.
I was not immediately informed of my obligation to have children
Megan
However, she explains that “nothing” can prepare you for the realities of having a child. “Having a child is like having a 24-hour job that you can’t quit,” says Sarah. “It’s relentless and in hindsight, I took my life for granted in many ways before. I can’t go anywhere without complying or taking my little boy. It’s like your life isn’t yours anymore.”
Parental regret is more common than you think. A survey published by YouGov last year, which surveyed 1,249 parents aged 25 to over 55, found that one in 12 British parents regretted having children. And the age groups whose members most often say they currently regret or have regretted having children are 25- to 34-year-olds (21 percent) and 35- to 44-year-olds (18 percent) .
Further research shows that this is not just a UK phenomenon, but worldwide. A 2013 Gallup poll in the US found that seven percent of parents would not have children if they could have their time again, and a 2016 survey in Germany found that 20 percent of German parents would not choose to become parents again – even if they love their children.
For the majority (74 percent) of German parents who admitted parental regret, they cited “restrictions on personal development” as the reason. The same number of parents say lack of childcare is a factor, and 44% of mothers and 20% of fathers say their careers would be better if they didn’t have children.
A 2016 study found that 20 percent of German parents would not become parents again
The impact on her career is one of the reasons Meghan regrets becoming a mother. “I feel robbed of the opportunity to make the most of my degree that I worked so hard for,” she explains. “I had to give up my career dreams to act as the primary carer for our children, which happens so often [for women]. If it were my choice, it would be my priority to settle securely on my career path.”
High-maintenance children, weak partners, and feeling forced to parent are just some of the reasons for regret cited in the Reddit group Regretful Parents. The group, which has 43,000 members, hosts daily discussions between people who regret or resent their decision to have children. Stories from parents in the group include a woman who says “the only time she has fun is when she’s sleeping away from her son,” and a 26-year-old mother who says she’ll “always want a plan B [morning after pill] has worked”.
“I think, if we’re being honest, most parents regret having children on some level,” Mandy Mitchell, a member of the Counseling Directory, tells me. “Parenting can be hard and we’re in a society that tells us we have to have children and our family isn’t complete if we don’t have them, but that’s not true.”
Psychologist Maya Tomse adds that parental regret is something that “comes up a lot” in her work with new parents. “Becoming and being a parent is one of the hardest things in life, and it’s natural to struggle to find joy in parenting,” Tomse explains. “We often think of bereavement, bereavement and mourning in the context of death, but we can feel bereft for a variety of reasons. Any change in life inevitably brings feelings of loss, and sometimes even trying to become a parent can trigger those feelings.
Parental regret can affect your mental health
(Getty/iStock)
Feeling sorry or resentful for your child is a normal feeling, she continues, but it’s something that isn’t often talked about. “It’s very difficult for most to dive into it and explore it, especially since parents feel guilty for feeling this way in the first place, so they’re often reluctant to share these emotions and thoughts,” Tomse says. “They often think it’s very unusual or even unnatural to feel this way. Therefore, I guess, parental regret is quite common, but still taboo.
For Megan and Sarah, part of their regret stems from the lack of support available to them. “I learned that it would be helpful to have a ‘village’, to have support and to have people around you who have your back,” Sarah explains. “However, the reality is often just the opposite – in most cases, the invitations dry up.”
Megan adds: “We’ve forgotten how to support each other and it really does take a village to raise a child – but more often than not a woman carries the burden of the family and makes the sacrifices.”
Tomse explains that parental resentment builds up mainly when a parent no longer has enough time for themselves, but adds that acknowledging resentment or regret is key. “Your rational brain knows that the object of your resentment is not to blame—in this case, your child—but your feelings at that moment are too intense to change the way you feel,” she explains. “By exploring feelings of resentment, we can begin to think more rationally about what’s going on and feel the emotions that have been pushed aside.”
She says the best way to overcome parental regret or resentment is to think of your feelings as grief and embrace each of the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Thomse is clear, however, that these stages “are not stops on some linear timeline of grief” and will change from person to person.
Some of the best, hardest working moms I know secretly regret having kids
Megan
Because when it comes down to it, grief and loss are the main causes of parental regret. For Megan, it’s the loss of what could have been her career, and for Sarah, it’s the loss of her identity. There may be other factors, such as postpartum depression, a relationship break-up, or even the financial burden of having a child. For women who have been forced to have an abortion, the “What if?” question will always represent their greatest loss, especially when studies show that 99 percent of women feel relief, not regret, five years after having an abortion .
“Kids are irreplaceable, and we owe it to them and to ourselves to do our best,” says Mitchell. “I think coming to terms with the responsibility of parenthood is easier if we focus on the day-to-day if we feel overwhelmed. Try to understand what you find so difficult and why, and see if there are any practical steps that…
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