I have been with my husband for 40 years. Four weeks ago, I discovered that he had a 30-year affair. I picked up his phone, thinking it was mine, and noticed a message from an unknown woman. He sent messages, made reservations, all in a gentle and loving language. When I challenged him, he told me that they had an affair that lasted five years about 30 years ago. He said his guilt made him break up, even though she was upset. He swears he never wanted to leave me. They resumed contact, albeit as a friendship, not as a sexual one.
He was going to visit her, but he denied that anything physical had happened and insisted that none of them wanted to endanger our marriage. I am ruined. I have seen his country, which I have never known. He is adamant that it was just a friendship, but in the messages he tells her that he loves her, which he has not told me for years.
Our marriage has not involved physical touch for a long time. I have always believed that he is simply not a physically attached person, but even during the gross trauma of recent weeks, he has not hugged me. I told him I found the touch comfort, but it seemed impossible.
I feel that their relationship has taken so much away from ours. He agreed and apologized. We are in the early 70’s with children and grandchildren. The thought of ending a marriage and stressing our family seems destructive. We agreed to try to make things right, but some of me wonder if I’m angry to stay with someone who has been unfaithful, sexually and emotionally, for so long. I’m in shock. Am I stupid, weak, pathetic? Can couples recover from such situations?
Philip’s answer You are neither stupid, nor weak, nor pathetic. Yes, some couples are really recovering from situations like this, although I can understand that from where you are right now, you will feel like climbing Everest. Sometimes a betrayed partner, in situations like yours, suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder because his emotional well-being is compromised and his sense of security is compromised. Don’t talk about being weak anymore. You have experienced a huge shock, your whole world order has been shaken. It’s as if he’s been separated for 30 years – half of him has an emotional connection with her, and the other half maintains the image of a loyal family man, but still refrains from being completely with you.
It would be difficult to draw a line under such an affair without reworking everything – and probably with a couples therapist. Think of the point to this shocking revelation as your first marriage. With therapy, you and your spouse can build what you might think of as your second marriage.
Divorce may not be as destructive as you think
As a betrayer, you will have to deal with the trauma of the affair and all the moments when you have doubted your instincts and sense of reality in the last 30 years. It will take you a long time for this part of the process, while for your husband it will be something that will not be able to happen fast enough. But it will be important for both of you to stay with him. You could limit discussions so that they only take place during counseling and perhaps at other specific times, so that this does not overwhelm you and you have the structure and support for these necessary conversations.
To make your second experience in this marriage work, you will both learn new ways to communicate and ways to be together. You will probably need to find new ways to deal with conflicts and ways to build trust.
You will both need to be proactive about openness and sharing emotions, including your anger, your desires and thoughts, so that you can each become meaningful to each other, thus allowing intimacy and warmth to build. Practice will be needed. Intimate conversation leads to being on the same page emotionally, which is the basis for warmth and physical connection. Your spouse will also require work to pass on the significant attachment he or she has had to you.
It is important to find a therapist to work with who you both trust. You may need to interview more than one to find the right person. These websites are a starting point: gottmanreferralnetwork.com or tavistockrelations.org. Recommended book: Healing from infidelity by Michelle Weiner-Davis.
However, the dissolution of a marriage may not be as destructive as you might think. Your children have grown up, and it’s usually less caustic to know the truth than to live with secrets. I hope you learn to trust your instincts, although I’m afraid they may have been exhausted by what happened. Whatever you decide, I hope you prioritize your own happiness when making the decision.
If you have a question, send a short email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk
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