One would think that ministers would have learned by now not to open their mouths to the media without their lawyers present. Come to think of it, they might also want to have their lawyers around when they are briefed by the Prime Minister on what they are expected to say. After all, lying is second nature to Boris Johnson: he doesn’t think about misinforming friends, family and colleagues any more than the rest of us. The only thing he wants in his office from all the morons is complete naivety and a willingness to be humiliated over and over again.
On Sunday it was Terese Coffey’s turn. She had crashed and burned as she tried to remember what she had to forget about the latest version of Number 10 about what The Convict knew about the previous version of Chris Pincher. On Monday, it was Children’s Minister Will Quince who was trying to forget the nonsense he had to remember. He seemed so traumatized by the experience that he begged to be admitted to a psychiatric ward.
On Tuesday, it was Dominic Raab’s turn to be the fall guy. If you happen to spot the Minister of Justice in the next few days, you’d do well to pay attention to him. By the end of his last interview, his anger management issues were out of control. The body count could reach double digits. He wasn’t just made to look stupid—hell, Dom can usually be counted on to do that all by himself—he was completely gutted. Any passing touch of truth in what he said was entirely accidental.
In just the space of an hour, Raab had to go from aggressively denying any wrongdoing on Johnson’s part – “he knew nothing about anything and anyone who said different was a liar” – to a grim admission that he was not I totally know what’s going on. But he was still sure that Pincher was basically a good guy, and he couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about.
After a vexing metaphysical argument with ITV’s Susanna Reid about the meaning of guilt (Dom was adamant that just because you’ve been convicted of doing something wrong doesn’t make you guilty; you’ve just been a bit naughty – or unlucky) Raab hit rock bottom point with the Today program. Here he tried to argue that Lord Macdonald had been factually untrue in his letter, published minutes earlier, which made it clear that The Rwanda Panda had been personally informed of the allegations, which had been confirmed, against Pincher in 2019 ., while he was a junior minister in the Foreign Office. By the way, Dom, as then Foreign Secretary, was his boss.
Then, realizing that no one believed a word he said, Raab simply mumbled his way through the rest of the interview while doing his best not to incriminate himself any further. Too little and too late. Confidence in him was totally destroyed. He had no answer as to why he had not sought assurances from the Prime Minister as to what he did or did not know. Even though he supposedly talked to him. This was not the time to point out that no one could count on Johnson to tell the truth, so why bother?
Nor could Dom give any other intelligent signs of life. Try as he might, he couldn’t force his synapses to connect. He didn’t know what he didn’t know himself. And he had no explanation why he never thought to question Pincher’s appointment as deputy chief whip, even though he certainly knew of the proven allegations against him. It just didn’t feel like such a big deal, he seemed to imply. Besides, every feeler deserved a seventh chance.
In any case, if it is good for the Condemned to know nothing, then it must be even better for him to know less. And there were so many different incidents that Pincher was involved in that it was asking too much of any one person to keep track of them all. Uh…will it work, he wondered? Would not. Having a Justice Secretary who can’t be trusted to get the truth is quite fitting for the UK.
This was only the beginning of a day of embarrassment and existential despair for the Tories. Later that morning, Labour’s Angela Rayner received another urgent question about standards in public life. It’s starting to become a habit. They seem to come every week or so. It also became a ritual for fourth-rate government lawyer Mike Ellis to be sent to answer on behalf of the Condemned. Normally shameless Mikey takes it in good nature, but he seems fed up too. Surprisingly, it turns out that even he has a sneer threshold.
There was broad laughter on the opposition benches when Ellis gave the most idiotic explanation yet for Johnson’s appointment procedure. It was like that. Johnson was made aware of some allegations against Pincher in 2019 — he declined to mention the ones “With Friends Like These, Etc” Carrie herself may have raised — but he’s just sadly forgotten about them entirely. It was like something out of Little Britain. A sudden burst of incredible amnesia. For something of little importance.
Ellis had started the session all alone on the front bench. Then a handful of government whips had taken pity on him and arrived to keep him company. They looked somber, impassive and unfeeling. One potato, two potatoes, three potatoes, four. It turned out to be an exhausting hour. It wasn’t just Labor and the SNP that had the knives out. The Tories did too. Even the usually ultra-loyal Caroline Johnson. You get the feeling that most Conservative MPs have decided enough is enough. It only took one cabinet minister with a spark of imagination to start the scramble for the exits.
Only the ever half-witted Peter Bone offered any support for the government. Surely leaving the EU meant we were no longer bound by the awakened agenda. The way to avoid recession was to keep groping. Call it Brexit opportunities. Even Ellis raised an eyebrow at that. He just went on talking about natural justice. It was as if Pincher had somehow been denied a fair hearing. Oily Ellis slipped away, knowing he would be back soon.
Or maybe not. Although The Convict made the obligatory phone call to President Zelensky, along with some half-hearted mocking of MPs in the tea rooms and a weak televised apology, the crap hit fans shortly after 6pm when Sajid Javid and Rishi Sunak resigned in quick succession.
Finally, two cabinet members had decided they had a reputation worth saving. They remembered that they had some integrity. Unlike the others, they were not prepared to sit back and be brought down even lower by Johnson. Other junior ministers are sure to follow in the coming days. This may not be the end yet. But it was certainly getting closer.
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