Surviving the crash in Grenfell, she says there are times when she forgets what happened and turns out to be “driving to the tower”.
“And I say to myself, oh God, where are you going?” You don’t live there anymore, “said Hanan Wahabi.
The blaze struck the structure five years ago on Tuesday, killing 72 people, including 18 children, in the UK’s largest housing fire since World War II.
Hanan lacks “everything” for her former home.
“It was, as some people say, a vertical village,” she explains. “I feel very lonely now. Time is not a healer.”
Image: Hanan Wahabi has a chain that her brother wore the night he died
Hanan has lived on the ninth floor of a West London landmark for 15 years, raising her two children, Zack, now 21, and Sarah, 13.
They survived the fire, but Hanan’s brother and his family did not.
Abdulaziz, a porter at the hospital, and his wife, Fauzia, lived on the 21st floor of Apartment 182 with their three children, Yasin, 20, Nur Huda, 15, and Mehdi, eight.
“They were such a loving family,” Hanan said. “There was a lot of laughter in this household, a lot of dry humor.”
While the fire destroyed most of the family photos, Hanan has a few things left of her apartment and her brother.
Image: Hanan’s brother, Abdulaziz, died in the fire
Some of her daughter-in-law’s Moroccan pottery have been saved from the ashes and now live in Hanan’s kitchen, carefully wrapped in cling film.
She appreciates them, but nothing compares to a chain that belonged to her brother.
“He wore it the night he died,” Hanan said, opening the black jewelry box he held. She keeps it next to her in her bedroom to keep it close.
“It’s so special to have it. You can see where a little burned in the fire.”
Immediately after the disaster, Hanan and her family were accommodated in a neighboring Premier Inn, sharing a room for 18 months.
That had a “big impact,” she says.
“PTSD came quickly. I just remember that as a parent you want to protect your children from seeing your difficulties and challenges.
“There was no protection there. I just remember constantly collapsing. I got to the point where I locked myself in the bathroom just so my kids couldn’t see, but they could still hear.
Image: Hanan’s daughter-in-law and niece and nephews also died
Hanan was moved to the area, but not close enough to see the tower.
“I’m happy to have a roof over my head, but Grenfell was my home,” she said. “I still think of it as my home.”
Last year, Hanan had to leave her teaching job for almost 20 years after panic attacks and anxiety became too strong.
“I am not the person I was before Grenfell. In September 2017, although my whole family was not open at that time, I returned to work – not because I could do my job adequately, but it was the only place where it was the same for me. This is my safe place.
“But sometimes I struggled – when I heard fire alarms, for example, I collapsed in front of the children.”
Image: Hanan has some of her daughter-in-law’s Moroccan pottery
Although the ongoing public inquiry has revealed many mistakes, failures and corporate complacency, no one has been charged with a crime.
Hanan says her trauma was compounded by the shocking testimony of the hearings – and the fact that no one has been held accountable.
“It’s the unknown. Our whole lives have been blown up and we’ve seen a little change,” she said.
“We can smile, we can laugh, we can joke, but the only way to do that is to hit plaster on every hole.
“We have huge wounds. We cover them, but we can only do it for a short time, and then when those doors are closed, (when) you don’t see us, we’re broken.”
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