The Dilemma At 80, I find it a little strange to ask for help to meet the expectations of an adult fan. Certainly at this age I should be able to recover. My beloved husband of many years died a few years ago. The children and grandchildren were a great comfort. I still work and live a busy independent life.
A friend introduced me to an older man. Before I knew it, I was in an affair almost immediately. It was a little romantic at first and made me feel wanted again. But, oh dear, I’m afraid the desire disappeared quickly when I found out more about his habits and how needy he was. to help manage his life. He said he fell in love with me and wanted to spend what was left of his time on earth with me. But was I in love with him? The answer was no. I couldn’t handle his emotional needs and the physical side of things was the most unsatisfactory. He is a funny and educated man, but completely interesting and seemingly obsessed with catching me. It drains my energy.
He has an assistant and there are many local widows who bring pots to his door, so it’s not like he’s without other people in his life. I explained that I was not available for possession, although I was happy to be his friend. I asked him to stop. He said I couldn’t stop him from trying. I told him again carefully how I was feeling. I don’t want to be horrified, because part of me feels that this is probably his last hurray. I’m happy to be his friend, but no more than that.
Philip’s answer I think you may be more – instead of less – more likely to experience this problem at 80 than 20 or 30, because if you were younger you would have grown up at different times and you would have known that it is not good for someone to continue to harass you after you have told them to give up. But when he was growing up, it was an age when girls had to be, according to children’s verses, “sugar, spices, and all good things,” while boys could be “snails and snails and puppy tails.” It is enough to remove the tail of a particular puppy and you need to make sure that it is good not to be “all good”.
The culture of the 1940s and 1950s expected women to be smiling, agreeable and helpful, and I expect that this is the soil from which you grew up. I guess you still managed to build a great career and equal relationships and you are loved and respected. Apart from coming from this culture of the 50’s, you are probably kind, sympathetic and thoughtful by nature, and this course of action may have served you well until this stubborn gentleman appeared on stage.
If people have a good sense of where your boundaries are and do their best not to cross them, there is no need to define yourself by explicitly saying what you want and what you will not tolerate. Therefore, you may not have had much practice in setting boundaries. However, your friend does not follow this social code, so you will need to be explicit about your boundaries. You will have to say something like, “If you refuse to believe that I will never want to continue a romantic relationship with you, I will stop seeing you at all.” He may be confused by the word “friend.” Maybe he thinks it’s impossible to be “just friends” with a member of the opposite sex, so you may need to define what a friend means. If he refuses to receive the message after you have indicated your limit, then you can stop seeing it completely with a clear conscience. Sounds like you have a lot of friends; you don’t need your own hurray to be clouded by a pest in need.
I think that putting this line in the sand can be difficult for you, because after 80 years you have a lot of conditions to overcome, so it is much harder for you to just say “Fuck” than for me, born 20 years after you. Generations after us can be even better at setting boundaries and sticking to them. I don’t expect you to ever get permission as you grow up to be anything other than helpful. It is good if everyone respects each other, but if there is a lack of respect, it gives an unfair advantage to those who do not respect each other.
You know that he will survive because he does not lack helpers, but even if he does not, you are still not obliged to him.
The person you really need to be kind to is not someone who seems to intend to ignore your desires, but yourself.
If you have a question, send a short email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk
Add Comment